being in the closet is terrible.
hello. due to having a catholic family (in texas nonetheless D:) who are consistently very conservative, i'm currently stuck in the closet. my parents, funnily enough, are openly non-homophobic; however, the incessant years of listening to transphobic radio channels/commentators (and comments they have made about trans women that i have never forgotten. stings in a way i could never describe to hear that from your parents when you are actively dedicating a lot of time to hiding the fact that you're trans from them) have made me realize that my family is unfortunately transphobic. i cannot tell them i am on HRT, or else my life will be completely over. this is my reality, and i have to pretend everything is normal and fine around them, despite my appearance becoming more feminine by the day and me becoming slowly distant and secretive towards them.
there are a lot of close calls my parents would never as much as grasp the stakes of. one time, my dad literally walked into my room while i was in the middle of injecting myself with my weekly dose of estradiol (thankfully my chair is facing away from the door) but i somehow got away with it and played it off. the stakes of a situation like that truly could only be grasped by people who experience it. but yeah, it is basically that, and a lot of lying/hiding clothes. i had a close call once where i did my laundry at like 3am (so my family doesnt see my bras/womens underwear), but slept through my alarms. i was awoken by my mom in the kitchen at 5am and was able to grab and secure my laundry mere minutes before she did her daily check of the laundry room. it took me a while to fall back asleep then- god.
there are creative red herrings i throw in as well. i made sure to make my parents think i am some sort of giga stoner to distract them from the obvious fact that im fucking transgender and it has seen to somehow work for now???? i also lied that my depression came from "not having any friends" and fed them another red herring with LSD. also once i got really drunk and basically told my little brother that i am gay (he said he's cool with it and is accepting); little did he know this was a very deliberate red herring to make him suspect me of being trans less.
i find myself scrolling through my mother's text messages on her ipad from time to time when i visit home, looking up words such as "gay", "son", "[my deadname]", "tranny", "transgender", only to find no concerning results. phew.
this feels like an obsession of mine, but tbh it's just for my own safety. i am crossing zero lines lollllll my parents would have done the same thing if they were trannies too.
i will probably be talking about this a lot on here since i have very few outlets/people i can confide this information in. goodbye for now :Dddd